Jane's advice on controlling your male

Once he's on his knees, keep him there.

Knowing themselves vulnerable to women, men become narcissistic; knowing the penis to be the particular instrument of your power over him, a man will instinctively attempt to impress you with his.

The paradox may not even be lost on him, but his behavior will still to some degree follow this pattern. His own curiosity and fascination with each and every woman as though she were a species unto herself makes him hope, against his actual intuition of the contrary, that in some way he too might appear exceptional to you.

He will have trouble, in other words, distinguishing the pleasure you might take in your own sexual power from some idea of HIS having won your favor (and if he is in fact attractive to you, the additional pleasure you derive from this will further confuse him, although in a way perfectly useful to YOU).

What is remarkable about this more or less inevitable male confusion is that it easily becomes in itself a further means for your assertion of power, since the need to be your favorite and to draw your seemingly unique attention to his exceptional potency will compel a man to serve you faithfully for the reward of your mere acknowledgment of his response to you.

Men may at different moments dream of different pleasures with women, but the most basic, the most primitive, taking precedence over any hope of intercourse and sexual equality, is, crudely, that of having their penis noticed - merely noticed, even where the more extravagant fantasy of genuine admiration and power of attraction has been quelled.

This is why you should not be afraid to press a man out onto a sexual limb, even when you have no intention of joining him there.

1. Never labor to have your effect on a man: the ease, the nonchalance, with which you play with his feelings and sensations can only increase their clarity and certainty. Do only what you like to him, and as much or as little as you like. He must strain for you, but you must never for a moment reciprocate. Strictly speaking, you need never touch a man (and, it goes without saying, you need never show yourself to him or let him touch you) in order to overpower him. Women discomfit men all the time simply by crossing their paths, and what you are doing now is only an extension of that effect.

Your glance, your words are enough; if you are reluctant to caress him, use an implement of some kind and coax and prod him with it: this will have the further welcome effect of objectifying him and making him a mere abstraction of all maleness. Or have him touch himself according to your instructions while you observe him: this is a very powerful instrument for undoing his defenses, a most humbling invasion of his privacy.

You may enjoy at the same time investigating some part of his body remote from his sexual organs: this emphasizes to him his complete accessibility and vulnerability, the fact that his entire nature is subject to your pleasure.

Once again, do not strain or labor. Always be comfortable: if you need to reach some part of his body, have him assume a suitable position, or extend your reach, and your ability to abstract him, with something that can serve as a pointer - an appropriate accessory in any case because you are always teaching him (no matter who he is, no matter how much older than you, or how much more "experienced"; it is never a small thing to be reminding a man of the truth he already professes, since no man ever believes that he grasps it as fully as he should).

2. Be patient with yourself. The longer he is "kept under," stirred and taunted and, of course, kept from climax, the more deeply enchanted he will be. Allow yourself any distractions you like, but impress upon him that he must await you without allowing his own thoughts to wander.

3. Do not be distracted by any thought of his wishes, or fear that you are not suiting his peculiar predilections. He exists for you, and his fundamental yearning is to have you know it. Anything you do for your own pleasure, or even your own convenience, reassures him of your knowledge and adds to his pleasure.

4. Do not be afraid of your own power or of the ways that occur to you to indulge it. No matter how much your heart is in this adventure, it is likely that you are still to some degree apprehensive about it, ambivalent, at the very least, about the revision of your image of yourself which it may require. Tolerate your misgivings, but don't be too quick to give in to them.

Some of the deepest and most permanent lessons to be had from this entire experience have to do with those forces within you which have led you, despite your better knowledge, to concede to the myth of masculinity.

Now, with a living human male in your hands, those forces will attempt to shame and unnerve you with the vision of your own boldness, to make you feel that confidence is only temerity, exploit danger. But if, in the face of this temptation to return to "safety," you remain audacious, your very soul will be transformed and strength becomes a habit to it.

Remember that a man's ego is protected by concentric walls of pride, the more inward, the more ingeniously constructed. Essentially you are demolishing these walls. The first is down when the man is naked before you, the second when he is aroused by your glance or command or touch. These are, however, his weakest defenses, although when they break he already knows that he is defeated.

An intermediate wall defends the man by establishing a barrier between publishable weakness and a more fiercely hidden kind, between sex as a precinct of life and sex as its sole dominion. Most men would admit to "a weakness for the ladies," but few without conditioning are at ease truly revealing this weakness as it spreads throughout their emotional systems. To break down this intermediate wall, you must invade a man's deeper privacy, his memories and his fantasies, his techniques for masturbation, and also all the behavior of his "private parts" even when they are not sexually active.

You must have him recount his experiences and fantasies, have him touch himself as he would if he were alone, and also according to your instructions; you might put him through exercises so that you can observe while he is naked the effects of all kinds of movement on his genitals. It doesn't matter whether, during these activities, he remains erect: the very fact that he is exerting himself for you proves his ardor.

You might watch him pee, even hold his penis for him when he does. Let even this bodily process, which supposedly preempts his organ away from sex, become an instrument of your power OVER his sex.

The inner walls of a man's defenses are both less massive and more resilient than these I've mentioned. You, and the man himself perhaps, are very likely to think the last of them down when it is still standing. If he thinks this, it is because the final defense of his ego is the preservation of a pride so tenuous in substance as to be barely conscious; it is a light and translucent thing, but as a last defense it is also strangely tenacious, and when it shatters the effect is by no means subtle.

Just as, at the earliest stages of this process, when you are still merely undressing the man, although his exposure and vulnerability are foregone conclusions, there is still enormous symbolic power in removing his last frail covering (he will always indicate the power of the event with a sigh of recognition and gratitude), so in this very last stage the disintegration of the final, light resistance creates a massive effect.

The man is plunged into the most profound and instinctual submission - the word may seem frightening in its absoluteness, but it is accurate and inescapable; he feels wholly possessed and the only fear left him is that he will be unable to demonstrate the full identification of his will with that of the woman who has subjugated him. To him (and, he hopes, to her) there is a mystical dimension to this, and it is no longer figurative if he calls himself her worshipper.

This final state is usually reached slowly, and not always by a direct route. But (as in all mystical experiences) it is important not to imagine prematurely that it has been reached.

A man can be intensely enchanted, to all appearances mesmerized, and still not be all the way there. In any case, it never hurts to draw him further into your power, and there is no question that by protracting this process of assault and titillation you will eventually bring on his absolute capitulation and then be able, with the most careless tap, to knock him from the precipice. (I will have more to say about this tap later.)

If you have been pleasing yourself and only yourself, if you have been satisfying your every whimsical curiosity, this effect will inevitably occur and you will have no doubt of it when you see it. Exploit it, preserve it; don't let its intensity deter you.

But let it linger as a quiet intensity. Ironically, this interlude of exquisitely honest emotions will make you feel your artistry. At the moment of pure truth you will see your own instinctive gifts, your female genius. The man is your instrument, beautifully tuned now, every key of his body hungrily alert to the nuances of your touch, the dance of your will.

You must restrain his eagerness lest it overwhelm him. With care, you can keep him in this state of grace indefinitely (and perhaps, unless you are particularly interested in observing his ejaculation, you should terminate at any rate your early encounters with him before orgasm occurs). One way to control the zeal of a man's body is, of course, to remain indifferent to its eagerness, as you have been, in a sense, all along: to be slow when he would hurry, to be light when he wants force, to be brisk when he tries to detain you.

Always oppose the momentum of a man's body: it does not represent his heart. Especially do so now, when his heart is entirely yours. Slow your pace to a crawl, withhold your touch now more than ever, create a perfect stillness in which the most flickering stroke anywhere on his body will be equivalent to a resounding shock. The slow motion you induce will simply confirm his impression that he has entered permanently into a state of adoration.

There is a second way to still a man's body, and one which will at the same time help him to feel that he is indeed doing everything to demonstrate his will to please: this is to subject him to some discomfort or pain.

Of course, you may do this at any point along the way, and to some small extent you probably cannot avoid doing so and still feel, and be certain that he feels that you are in command. Even when you direct a man's posture, or instruct him to move a certain way or exercise vigorously, you are of course discomforting him and even "punishing" him a little.

But women tend to fear taking the initiative in such acts, and most women have been educated to regard them as perverse (as indeed they are when the cruelty becomes a pleasure in its own right, and sex a mere theater of cruelty). But the fact remains that there is no better way to demonstrate devotion to another than to show one's willingness to suffer in some way for her, and a woman's eye will not see more convincing evidence of a man's steadfastness than his unabashed acceptance of distress. Here, again, it is the willingness that counts, not the measure of the pain itself.

But, of course, there is no willingness without a way to display it. How you evoke it is your own choice entirely, and you have done enough simply by being satisfied that you have. But try not to shrink from this enlightening gesture; press yourself even a little beyond what you feel comfortable doing.

There is no question that, especially when he is in full surrender, the man will be grateful for the opportunity you give him to demonstrate his sincerity, and when he is in such a condition it is far more cruel to refuse him. You may feel hesitant to begin with, even "unnatural," but to his eyes you are generous and kind.

And you will certainly discover, if you practice this after all quite moderate ruthlessness a while, that it becomes exhilarating. From the time they are girls, women are taught to be gingerly and tender toward the bodies of men, and with this lesson women learn to accept a great part of their unnatural subordination. If a woman wishes to recover her supremacy, she must learn to show men her knowledge of their fragility.

A man will recover without physical harm from a slap to his face or his penis, from meticulously applied scratches, from the quick thrusts, or the gradually intensified pressure, of a finger or pointer to any part of his body, including his famously delicate groin, or from any intrusion into his anus. But he will never recover psychologically, for he will have known love.

Do you remember my saying that, when a man is fully enthralled, a mere tap from you to any part of his body will have the effect of a gigantic assault upon his will? The sweet thing about the tap is that it is almost effortless for you, but earth-shaking to him. It will make him believe his most basic intuitions about the divinity of women confirmed. Once a man has felt the tap, he will live for it, he will lose the world for it.

The metaphor of orgasm as a kind of electrical discharge is misleading, at any rate in the case of males: it is more a short-circuit (which is why men do not recover from it as rapidly as women do), always abrupt, a truncation of pleasure, even if long delayed. The powerful relief it furnishes nonetheless partly lies in the rescue it offers from the submissive plunge of male desire, and it is always compromised by an intuition of the bliss that it has abridged.

If a man can be brought to the point where a mere tap can seem to be delivering the entire force of a woman's will, it will be more precious to him than any orgasm, deeper and truer, because in being toppled by it he is pleasing a woman, not merely finding relief for himself. If he was in awe of women before, he will certainly be so now, and nearly every woman will seem capable of subduing him just in passing with an easy flick.

The tap is more than a figurative expression, because when a man has reached the state of full submission, his entire body is exquisitely sexualized and the most glancing stroke anywhere on it is in effect delivered to his penis. He can even feel your gaze in this way: it becomes almost indistinguishable from actual touch. At this point a little touch - a tap, in other words - goes a long way, and the lingering touch, though the poor man thinks he wants it, can be too much for him to bear.

Do not fear the language a man is apt to use at this time: it is unequivocal and totally sincere, and it implies no demand upon you. The man is not exaggerating when he calls himself your servant, your slave, when he professes to worship you, when he insists (as though not getting the point across would result in unbearable pain to him) that he belongs to you.

As a woman, you may not be able to understand how it comes about that ecstasy must extort such humility from males, but the mystery is no deeper than that of sexual attraction itself, and your own reciprocal ecstasy will in any case be purer and more enduring if you take the man at his word and make the most of what you have caused him to deliver up to you.

A man's words may sound wild at such moments, but he is beautifully tame. He will do anything for you: have him do it. Nothing now moves him more than your own serenity. Once again, it is important to show your indifference to his needs and your dedication to your own. If you are to take any measure at all of his immediate wishes - which, recall, are often contrary to his real interests - it should only be for the sake of determining the most efficient way to thwart them.

Is he immobilized by desire?

Then have him dress and send him on an errand. Is he trembling with fervor? Then send him to the showers and let him tremble with chill. If you wish to reward him or bolster his courage, you can always do this with a tender word and a caress of his hand; if you have been sparing with your touch, a moment's pressure on his penis before you send him packing will be enough to consume his memory for hours.

[A certain woman used to like to distress her men by requiring that they sit in an empty bath-tub, which she would slowly fill with cold water. She would explain her intentions perfectly beforehand, and she would encourage the man by explaining how convincing a show of devotion he would be making.

She would be tender to him during the test, but never interrupt it. She would hold his hand as the water rose, pleased to see him wince at moments and to feel his grip tighten around her hand. She would repeat that he must try to be still, not wince or shiver, be manly, and he would attempt to comply, although, of course, this was not fully possible. His shrunken organs caused him great embarrassment, a vestige of his pride and narcissism, but it also did much to undermine those purposeless emotions.]

When he first falls into this condition, test him. Establish a great stillness, and explain to him that you are going to test his word by subjecting him to some distress. Be very deliberate and unhurried, but don't be shy. You might tell him exactly what you intend to do, what sort of little suffering you intend to cause, and then wait a moment or two to let him anticipate it quietly.

The more clinical you are, the better: abstract him, isolate some part of him, whether sexually central or remote, and draw his concentration toward it as you gradually intensify the sensation you are creating.

But don't be gingerly; discover the moves that please you and make them without solicitude for the man's response. As always, when you push yourself to exercise some of the inquisitive ruthlessness you knew as a girl (before you were taught to be men's caretaker), both your mind and your man's will alter with the alchemy. Men are easily pained, but not so easily injured: you will be doing no lasting damage, but in his present condition the man would not wish to protest if you were.

There is no contradiction between the inexorable manner recommended here and a certain tenderness: you are to be a benevolent tyrant, insistent on your own will, but kind enough to remind him of your superior knowledge of his needs (which are, in any case, what you define them to be).

If you wish to do something to him, or have him do something, at which he seems to balk (he isn't likely to protest outright), reassure him in some way, remind him that he is no longer relying on his courage alone, that you are at his side, steeling him for whatever feat of prowess or endurance you are requiring.

Remind him that your impulses toward him are loving, and that you know his own happiness depends upon his not disappointing you. The fact is that, except in cases of uncontrolled brutality, the real object of a man's fear (and perhaps of your own) is the meaning of the act in question, not its execution. If you are quietly firm in insisting that you have your way, the man will foresee your pleasure and imagine an accompanying indulgence toward him, and he will outdo himself to meet your requirements.

5. Remember that even the most resistant man ultimately wants to acknowledge female power, and, at the same time, that even the most willing and accustomed man returns to the experience with some of his resistance replenished. It can't be avoid, since every return to the ordinary world gives some berth to his ambivalence.

Of course, after even a single experience of surrender to a woman, a man's will and the preponderance of his habits are forever changed. What relapse he does undergo is negligible by comparison, and in any case it leaves you the pleasant prospect of breaking him down a bit each time you meet.

6. All of these effects are multiplied tenfold simply by inviting a second woman to the ceremony. The early awkwardness most people will feel in such a situation does allow the man's own initial reserve more opportunity to protect him.

He will be embarrassed, attempt to make light of the situation, even put on a brave, "masculine" front at first, perhaps representing the whole occasion as a bit of libertinism on his part. He is all the more nervous because he knows that from the earliest moment, once begins to disrobe, it will be impossible to doubt the meaning of what is happening.

The presence of a woman collaborator or two not only helps do away with your own gingerliness, it absolutely eliminates any possibility of the man's taking refuge in ambiguity. Though he shifts about maladroitly for a while, inhibited in speech and movement, when his resistance does break - which anyhow must occur even before he is quite naked - it will do so with a greater than normal crack, undermining more decisively the remaining walls of his pride, which you will be able to dispatch in record time.

To reach this point, there is nothing to do but work your way through the initial embarrassment, performing the necessary acts clumsily if need be. Here is a case in which deliberate behavior may induce spontaneity. No matter how self-conscious you or your friend may feel at the outset, a sense of superb freedom as well as sisterly intimacy will soon replace it. It would be a pity to withdraw before savoring these things.

The emotional effect of sharing his submission on both you and the man is much the same whether your relationship to him is fresh or whether it is an established one which you are simply divulging to a friend. In the latter case, her joining you, even if only in the role of audience, provides the man with a powerful opportunity to prove his loyalty to you. As long as a relationship is purely private, there is always some little room for a man to "reinterpret" it. When it is once witnessed it is ratified forever.

An effective exposure of a man's relation to you and to woman may nonetheless be achieved far short of this full sexual scenario. Anything, in fact, that opens a window upon him before other women will have a power to undermine his privacy well in excess of the literal significance of the thing exposed.

Find ways to make him serviceable in their presence, even directly to them; make his willingness to work for you and them unambiguous and abuse it a bit (if there is any such thing as abusing what is yours to use as you like) before them. If there is some way, some pretext, to have the man remove some clothing, exploit it - off-handedly, without making a point of it, as though nothing were more natural, more routine.

Remember, that it is not a man's narcissism, or even his exhibitionism, that you are indulging here, but his ever imminent submission. If his greedy body appears to relish the surplus of feminine attention, do something to remind it that his pleasure in this is vain: discomfort him, exact some penalty, put him to work. His full or partial nakedness is never a celebration of the exuberance of his body but of the quieting of his will.

(If, by chance, you do find the man aesthetically pleasing, and do care to express this, you should do so in the most categorically aesthetic terms, disinterested and formal, objectifying and abstracting him, an ac of careless connoisseurship that will create no suggestion that you have a bona fide weakness for him. A man can know that you have fond and tender feelings for him and still feel that, as man, he is a trifle.)

7. A man's worship, his need to see women as a higher species, may seem absurd to you, when you observe it from inside your skin. It is absurd, and men are absurd: they will deify you, and you will find it absurd, and in doing so you will justify their worship. It is by no means the same thing as deifying yourself - and thereby making yourself absurd. Men may go to preposterous lengths to prove their sacrificial qualifications: let them go, and find it diverting if you like, but never think it trivial. Like every form of worship, theirs coerces ceremony from the most idle deeds.

8. Remember that, throughout this experience, you are re-educating your imagination and even your reflexes (most of which have been conditioned to begin with). However emancipated your views, it is still a feat to see differently, and some conscious effort will probably help. Experiment with your perceptions, willfully replacing weary ones with others more accurate if more startling.

Oblige yourself to see a man's erection, for instance, as evidence of your power and his humility, a gesture not of aggression, let alone of defiance, but of attentiveness and accommodation. But see his loss of erection in the same way; it is no paradox: a man hardens in the hope of pleasing you and softens in the fear that he will fail. Your pleasure is the common element.

Whatever the state of his organ, it is a reflection of your power alone. The penis cannot conceivably acquire a meaning independent of it. In this respect, uniquely, it is more like an accessory than a bodily part, more attire than nakedness; it cannot escape an instrumental significance (unlike, for instance, the features of a woman's body, which always reiterate the priority of her womanhood).

9. Expect your man to be manly. His recognition of your power is fundamental to his nature, a kind of weakness built into him, perhaps, but one in any case specific to his relation to women. If it were anything shallower and more general than that, a flaw in his development, an impairment of his social character, its expression in relation to you would be of no importance and he would not be worth enthralling. He would be weak from fear, not from instinctive desire, and he would be a sexual dullard.

A man loses only his affectations when he succumbs to female force, and by discarding these he of course relieves himself of an enormous burden. He should be more robust as a result, more vigorous, prompt and resilient in his responses to you, capable of limber exertion and spirited endurance.

Having taken the facts of life full in the face, he should, if anything, find himself strong and authoritative in the world of men, and the power he derives from honesty is in any case enlarged by the power he has absorbed - or, frankly, arrogated - from you. A man goes in a relatively short time from feeling too proud to bend his knee to a woman to regretting that he will ever have to rise.

Knowing that no man could ever harm him as a woman can, your man will feel a liberating courage before all other men.

Remember, too, that the quiescence, even the "passivity," of the man in thrall is full of potential energy; the stillness you coax him into is, of course, pregnant, an antidote, in fact, to his excited and all too volatile yearning. Once again, it is an expression of his desire - which is to conform wholly to your desire - and not of his character.

There is, in other words, nothing abject about his humility. Indeed, it infuses him with just those sensations of courage and exceptional might that we normally attribute to pride, except that now he is convinced that this valiant energy is entirely the gift of your inspiration.

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